All Grown Up

I feel like I need to share the things I've learned from "having cancer". It still feels weird saying that. I don't feel like a cancer patient. I don't look like a cancer patient, either. I think I am still in a bit of denial. I don't know if there is any cancer still in there or if my labs will come back clean. My way of coping is to tell my self that they got it all and this was just some crazy illness that is over now. I feel good now and right now that is all that matters.
It may sound crazy but having this illness has been the biggest blessing that I have ever received. If I were to die tomorrow I would die happy and I know that my husband and my children would overcome and they would be happy, also. The bonus is that I am alive and I get to live...HAPPY!
I have been pretty positive the last 10 days but there was one point that I hit rock bottom. I cried like I have never cried before. I couldn't breathe and I felt that my heart might break in two. I was up late talking to Jason the night that I received the "cancer" diagnosis and I told him that everything would be all right because I trusted the Lord and was willing to accept His will. It hit me that to really trust Him and accept His will I had to accept the fact that His will may very well be that I die from this illness. I freaked out. That is one place that I vowed I will never, ever, visit again. The next few days were a whirlwind of tests, doctors visits, x-rays, preparation, etc and amid all that I really reviewed my life and the things that were holding me back from being truly content and happy. I was able to take inventory and throw out all of the things that brought stress, anger, etc. It feels wonderful to not harbor bad feelings toward anyone. If I was mad at you before, rest assured that we are good now. I refuse to hold a grudge against anyone ever again. I don't know what changed but people just don't anger me any more. I get annoyed sometimes but I am able to leave it at that. It feels really good not letting other's actions govern how I feel.
I view my kids a lot differently now. I am a lot more patient with them. I enjoy them more. Same with my husband. I have a better appreciation of him and all that he does for our family.
I have been overcome by the kindness and love from others. My friends, family and even total strangers have extended such love and support that I can't help but be happy. All of you who were willing to get on planes at a moments notice to come here to be with me...Thank you. I really believe that because of all the prayers offered in my behalf the Lord has allowed me to stay AND I have bounced right back. Besides that one rock bottom night I can truthfully say that I have felt myself being carried and comforted. I have experienced a great amount of joy when I should be feeling sorrow and pain. It is hard to not be happy when I know that I have a legion of friends cheering for me from the sidelines.
All in all this has been an experience that toughened me up, softened my heart, opened my eyes and changed my life. I feel as if I can take on the world. I would not have felt this way without the love and concern from all of you. Thanks for being there for me!
I have many posts that don't include cancer so let's say goodbye to this disease for a time and if anything changes I will keep you all posted.